10 things you should learn

In lieu of writing anything with substance, I give on to you another list. I know I have promised some more videos of some of my stand up, and they are coming, I am just waiting until I nail a performance and have good footage of it.

This list came about when I was lying in bed coughing my guts up last night. I am sick. I don't get sick very often but I am sick. SA has a public holiday on Monday, the Fringe Festival is in town (the second biggest arts festival in the world), I have new jokes to prepare for a gig coming up, and my body has decided on being sick. If I didn't know better I would think my body is being a jerk.

1. Changing your name to Bob will not make you more buoyant. Palindromic, but not buoyant. 
2. Only make friends with people who are shorter than you, you will forever be their King. Plus you get to show off by getting things off shelves.
3. Exercising willpower is harder than exercise. I would rather eat a packet of Tim-Tams and run 8ks than do neither.
4. When life gives you lemons, open a market store and flog them for 50c each.
5. Economies come and go but jeans are forever, and sometimes that long between washes.
6. Pillow fights are only fun when your winning or you're all in underwear. In which case you're winning.
7. It's not the heat or the humidity that kills you, its constant need to tell me the weather on Facebook.
8. Bottled water is bad for you, because paying for it just proves you're an idiot.
9. Fitted sheets are only impossible to fold when you care.
10. I let someone walk a mile in my shoes. They got a new perspective, I got athletes foot.

10 things I have learnt so far

Happy March eve people of the Internet!

I have not lived for very long, I'm closer to 30 than to 25, and in the grand scheme of things it is not very old (the Earth is 4.54 billion years for example, and still doesn't get health care), but here is a list of 10 things I have learned

1. If you post comments on YouTube someone will think you are an idiot, whether you are one or have convinced yourself otherwise
2. The fastest way to reach a conclusion in sickness is a get well card message: “A tree died for this card, so get well soon or I'll kill another tree”
3. People who play video games don’t necessarily want to shoot people, just like people who play football don’t necessarily like group sex
4. People will only take climate change seriously when the Pacific Islands have nothing but beach front property
5. Melancholy tastes good with cheese
6. If something is too good to be true, it is probably a cop undercover
7. When people complain about Microsoft, I ask IT to give them Linux for a while
8. Dancing like nobody is watching is nowhere near as fun as doing the "sprinkler"
9. Pets are not just for Christmas, just like hepatitis
10. One does not earn “Respect”; you pay the royalties like everybody else.

Motivation guaranteed

Social media is riddled with motivation pictures’ clogging up news feeds these days, all with the purpose of making the world fluffy and safe, and to help us as a society to be more than we are. To be honest, most of them give me the shits.



Exhibit A

I like a good humorous quote, but anything sounding like it was originally written for a “gift” magnet, only motivates me as far as aspirin and beer. I don’t know what that says about my own insecurities as a man, or as a human being (men and humans being mutually exclusive sets), but I know I am not perfect and I will never compare to a picture of a basket of puppies with an earnest caption. Or even smell as good. Will reading every single one make me a better person?

If I had to pick a motto my first choice would have to be “if it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done”. It is an unspoken rule of the world. For example, just look at the policy output of governments when they are moving into an election year. Suddenly there are all sorts of spending and policy splurges that would have been wasted midway through the term. Who remembers anything good from two years in? Only Rupert Murdoch, and he only remembers if he likes you.

Doing stuff after the last minute is pointless, so you need that last minute to squeeze out all you can. If it wasn't for that last minute my team would never win, or I would never be able to catch a bus, see the supermarket open, or even get to my job on time.

I understand it is not a saying for everyone. It is in the best interests of an emergency room surgeon to do a little bit more before that last minute. People tend to get nervous when their family member is bleeding out on the table. After sitting on his arse for three years, Michael Phelps three months out from the London Olympics can’t suddenly think “shit, better go for a swim”. He would need to put that bong down a little earlier than that.

The last minute is for optimists living in the present. I am a very much “the present” kind of guy (but more likely a present you would return). I like to enjoy myself in the now, and there is no greater motivation for results than a looming deadline. Eight weeks ago I returned to study in an attempt to gain my Masters. In two weeks I have a major assignment due that is worth 50% of my grade for my current subject. It is no surprise that I haven’t started it yet, jokes are so much more fun to write after all. What do I do instead of writing my assignment? I listen to the advice of a 90’s Australian political satire band called TISM.

Sometime in the next ten thousand years
A comet’s going to wipe out all trace of man
I’m banking on it coming before my end of year exams

Sounds like a good plan as any other, I would be very disappointed if I spent my remaining moments on Earth completing an assignment. The destruction of civilisation as we know is sure grounds for an extension. Right?

What are you putting off right now? And would there be anything I can say to motivate you to do my assignment for me?

Submitting for DudeWrite, ironically early. Who would have thought? Clink on a link and get involved. There is plenty of good reads for you to read out there. All you have to do is follow the links.