10 things you should learn

In lieu of writing anything with substance, I give on to you another list. I know I have promised some more videos of some of my stand up, and they are coming, I am just waiting until I nail a performance and have good footage of it.

This list came about when I was lying in bed coughing my guts up last night. I am sick. I don't get sick very often but I am sick. SA has a public holiday on Monday, the Fringe Festival is in town (the second biggest arts festival in the world), I have new jokes to prepare for a gig coming up, and my body has decided on being sick. If I didn't know better I would think my body is being a jerk.

1. Changing your name to Bob will not make you more buoyant. Palindromic, but not buoyant. 
2. Only make friends with people who are shorter than you, you will forever be their King. Plus you get to show off by getting things off shelves.
3. Exercising willpower is harder than exercise. I would rather eat a packet of Tim-Tams and run 8ks than do neither.
4. When life gives you lemons, open a market store and flog them for 50c each.
5. Economies come and go but jeans are forever, and sometimes that long between washes.
6. Pillow fights are only fun when your winning or you're all in underwear. In which case you're winning.
7. It's not the heat or the humidity that kills you, its constant need to tell me the weather on Facebook.
8. Bottled water is bad for you, because paying for it just proves you're an idiot.
9. Fitted sheets are only impossible to fold when you care.
10. I let someone walk a mile in my shoes. They got a new perspective, I got athletes foot.

10 things I have learnt so far

Happy March eve people of the Internet!

I have not lived for very long, I'm closer to 30 than to 25, and in the grand scheme of things it is not very old (the Earth is 4.54 billion years for example, and still doesn't get health care), but here is a list of 10 things I have learned

1. If you post comments on YouTube someone will think you are an idiot, whether you are one or have convinced yourself otherwise
2. The fastest way to reach a conclusion in sickness is a get well card message: “A tree died for this card, so get well soon or I'll kill another tree”
3. People who play video games don’t necessarily want to shoot people, just like people who play football don’t necessarily like group sex
4. People will only take climate change seriously when the Pacific Islands have nothing but beach front property
5. Melancholy tastes good with cheese
6. If something is too good to be true, it is probably a cop undercover
7. When people complain about Microsoft, I ask IT to give them Linux for a while
8. Dancing like nobody is watching is nowhere near as fun as doing the "sprinkler"
9. Pets are not just for Christmas, just like hepatitis
10. One does not earn “Respect”; you pay the royalties like everybody else.