Sunday, October 28, 2012

Getting to know me - Michael D'Agostino

One more to go Internet people! To wrap things up for this guest post series is none other than Michael D'Agostino. He is a brother comic, has more twitter followers than me, and I saw him do a Bane impersonation on stage the other week. He is the all singing, all dancing, all removing of clothes. You love him, I love him, so click hard on the link of Michael D'Ag-os-tino!

Hi I'm Michael. For those who haven't heard of me, I'm a fellow stand-up comedian of Rusty's. I have a lot of interests and hobbies and a lot of interesting things seem to happen to me. I've started referring to these random moments as "Michael Moments". Here are some examples of past Michael Moments I've been through...

I walked into church last Sunday and walked out with a new ice-crushing machine. Why? How? I don't know, I just looked down and realised I was carrying it.

I stumbled into work at KFC one day, dropped a big heavy cardboard box on the office table and collapsed into a chair. My manager asked me what was in it, and I said '2000 flyers for the DVD release of Abduction starring Taylor Lautner. I've been carrying it up Greenhill Rd for an hour.'

I had some free tickets to a football game that I couldn't go to, so I spent half an hour trying to hawk them in front of the stadium. By the time I left, I had twice as many tickets as what I started with. Still all free.

I got paid $125 to dress up in bright white overalls and pretend to clean a lady's house in front of T.V. cameras. After we were done, the real cleaning ladies came in and cleaned her house from top to bottom.

I got paid $80 a shift to dress up like a penguin and entertain kids for the release of Happy Feet 2 last Christmas season. I didn't seek the opportunity, they found me and approached me out of the blue. The last night of the campaign, my bosses invited me back to their hotel and we spent the night in the pool and spa. Just so we're clear, they were girls.

I may have the record for the person who's taken his clothes off in front of the most people without getting paid for it.

During the writing of this post, I got my voice recorded for a commercial for a radio station. Again, I didn't ask for it, it just happened.

Sean Craig Murphy, one of the country's most successful radio announcers, told me he'd found my blog and loved it.

I once bugged international best-selling author Matthew Reilly into lending me $20.

I got a free professional photo shoot with Studio 2000. Afterwards they gave me a little mini-album with about 50 photos worth $880. As I was driving home, I realised that album was the most expensive thing in my car at that moment.

Now you know me just that little bit better.

Thank Michael, it seems that a lot of people pay you to dress like things, but it only cost $10 to see you strip on stage. I shall return next week to announce the winners of my (used to be) new book. Remember if you want a shot of getting one for free, just post a comment on any of the guest posts featuring not me. 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Gigs and jokes - Forever Conflicted

Welcome to the second instalment of my holiday guest post series. This week we have Forever Conflicted from the blog Can't Sleep. This guy is someone Michael and I both know from the Adelaide comedy scene who went on hiatus for some time. I talked him into blogging earlier in the year and I'm glad he took it up. So give up the loving that the blogosphere is famous for and set your status to follow for Forever Conflicted.

Those who know me will know that I find it difficult at times to accept compliments and almost all forms of praise. I freely admit I can be harsh on myself at times and I’m pretty sure it some sort of self defence mechanism. Despite all of this, there is one thing I can’t deny. There is one thing that I can’t block out and no matter how hard I may try, I can’t forget it. What is that thing you ask? It is the sense of belonging and pride you get when an audience laughs at a joke you tell.

I still remember to this day my very first gig, at the amazing Rhino Room (much love!!). I had the most support I have ever had at any gig and the emotions were going crazy. I had rehearsed my material a thousand times and when it was my turn to finally get up on stage my heart felt like it might be ripped out of my chest. During the 5 or so minutes I just flew through my material and each time I got a laugh it was a little shock and humbling all at the same time. I rode the energy of the crowd all the way to the finish line and it wasn’t until I had finished that I realised just how much of a blur the whole thing was.

From the moment I said my last goodbyes, I felt amazing proud of what I had just done. This was something I had always wanted to do and I had just done it. I took a ‘risk’ and it paid off…I still remember all the congratulations from everyone who was there to support me, I still remember the incredible natural high that I rode for a few days, if not weeks afterwards. It sparked a thirst, a drive to give comedy a crack and even though my comedy ‘career’ hasn’t hit any great heights as of yet, I will always have that memory. Every time I think of that memory it reignites the passion to keep writing and the determination to eventually succeed in the industry.

In fact, lately I have been writing (comedy) material a lot more and even though I’m not performing at the moment, I think the extra time and patience I am taking will lead to a more professional set the next time I get up on stage. Just recently I had a great afternoon down at my local beach (Glenelg, for those locals playing at home) with my brother and we brainstormed a fair bit of new material. The sun was out, fish n chips were tasty and the laughs flowed. It was a really enjoyable afternoon ^_^.

I had considered giving you all a sneak preview of my upcoming material but I’m considering leaving that as an inspiration to start blogging regularly again. Suffice to say, in Soviet Russia….blog reads you! I shall leave you with this clichéd but totally awesome phrase…


PS Thanks Russ for allowing me to post on your legendary blog ^_^
Yours truly,
Forever Conflicted

No thank you Mr Conflicted. Remember people that the one lucky commenter will get a copy of my book "Tales from the Sleeping Dragon". Next week we have a regular visitor to my blog, Michael D'Agostino, to finish up the guest series to bring me home.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

The Pen Licence - Pish Posh

Welcome to the first ever guest post on Swinging like a rusty gate. Set your front face to excited because it is by the awesome Pish Posh. I first met Pish Posh through another blog, and clicked through from her comments and got to know her. She drew me a picture for one of my posts once, but I was already hooked. She has a charming, fun, and sincere style that you can't help but enjoy. So ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the page Pish Posh.

You know Australians are different. They drive on the wrong side of the road, they get flagrant with their vowels, they’re vague with directions – Walkabout? Outback? Could you be a little more specific please? – they make tear-jerker movies like Red Dog that help me remove my mascara without even trying, and they’ve held certain of my family members hostage for years.  And they have really big spiders. Crikey!
Apparently, they also have something called “pen-licenses.” I learned this when Rusty sent in his stories to our new book collection All Cracked Up. His stories are some of my favorites – sweet, funny, and affectionate.

In “Dogs Cry Out in the Night” for example, he tells the sweet story of his dad masturbating the family pet. Well, not exactly. But sort of. Let’s just say his story includes the line “How many years of school do vets have to do just to wank off dogs?”

Mr. Rusty of Manliness, in “Beards: Holding My Soup since 2003,” he about how manly his face is, or at least its ability to grow hair. In fact, bearded men are so manly because they think about boobs a lot. Because like a chia pet that just keeps on growing, the more a man thinks about breasts the more his testosterone spikes and the more his facial hair grows. So the next time you see a bearded fella, you can be sure he’s thinking about boobies. In fact, some men just grew a beard by reading the word boobies. From the US to Australia, men are thinking about boobs and growing their beards. I’m glad I could help.

One part of this story that you won’t see though is his reference to a pen-license. Because what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about? And I made him take it out. Apparently Australians get pen-licenses because the government is afraid of their rampant vowel usage. And endless letter-writing and graffiti-by-pen. Actually in grammar school, when their handwriting is legible they can get permission to stop using a pencil and begin using a pen. HOLY HELL BALLS!

What if we had licenses for everything like that? I would like my boyfriend to have a license to go to the grocery store. Because 45 minutes to find the salami is too long - and no that is not a euphemism. If it was, 45 minutes of hide the salami would be just fine, if you know what I mean. His problem isn’t hiding it, his problem is finding it. Like the socks he searches the house for, and are, gasp, in his sock drawer. Although if he had to get a license to do the grocery shopping, he would intentionally fail and I’d end up doing the shopping, so nothing would change. This is apparently his scheme on loading the dishwasher.

But how about licenses for other things? I think some people should have a license to dress themselves in the morning. A license for how to behave in public, and a license for how to be a good sibling. But, the most important license of all would be the license to have children. Now before you jump down my throat, y’all know there are people out there who just shouldn’t keep making more of themselves. Smurf Village is full.

But thank god we have pen-licenses. Otherwise, we’d have all these kids running around with permanently bad penmanship. And that, ladies and gentlemen, would be the game-changer.

Anyway, so Rusty can grow a beard, used to have a well-satisfied canine, and is on vacation. Show him you love him. Check out our book!

Amazon page for All Cracked Up for our publishing company Junipaya Productions
Pish for my site if you’d like to debate the value of pen-licenses with me

Grab the code on the sidebar to add our button to your page:

Much Love to Rusty-Fans

Pish Posh

Thanks Pish! By the way my spell checker went nuts with all the missing vowels. Get cracking on the comments for your chance to win a copy of my book. Next week we have a new blogger to the scene

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Welcome to October, commence the fun and games

I don’t know about you, but the last few months have been a whirlwind of awesome. I have been part of the new sensation in electronic light reading “All Cracked Up” with some awesome writers, I have done a few gigs that went well and have been booked for more, I'm off to a good start with my Masters, I go on holiday on Wednesday to Europe with the GF, and I have been involved in another publishing adventure that had its launch on Sunday.

Set pants to wet
First up, “All Cracked Up” is a hilarious romp through the mind and lives of some of the best writers on the Internet. It features authors from all walks of life exploring all things from rules for cat owners to high gloss paint protecting your assets against shit happening. Available currently as an eBook  you can purchase here from Amazon

Below is a list of the writers liable for literally splitting your sides laughing in All Cracked Up

Set pants to... fantasy
Want more of me? That shouldn't be a problem, for when I come back from holiday with a few extra kilos there should be more of me to share. But if you were after some more writing, then you can check out “Tales from the Sleeping Dragon”. It is a collection of fantasy short stories from a group of Adelaide writers launched yesterday afternoon. That’s right, I'm very local. Get in early to score a limited edition of the book (as they spelt my name wrong on the cover and will be reprinting soon). My story is about a man who must go against his cultural beliefs to save his people from war.

If you are interested you can purchase the book from Amazon. There is no ebook version at this time, but it is coming soon.

I am going on holiday for a few weeks on Wednesday, but do not despair, I have something awesome for you. I will be hosting a guest blogger series featuring some writers you may already know, plus someone new to the blogging world that I would like you to meet.

Plus as an added incentive to stop by and say hello, I have three copies of “Tales from the Sleeping Dragon” to give away. If you want to score a free copy, just post a funny/engaging/friendly comment on any of the guest posts next week, and I will pick a favourite from each blog.

So please come back over the next few weeks and say hello to my guests, and leave abuse for me. I will after all be reading them from a café in Paris, from the shores of Nice, the walls of Caen Castle, a pizza shop in Rome, or even the mean sewer streets of Venice. That is how I roll.