Did the earth move for you?

I was emailed this, if you know who it belongs to, let me know

Last week there was an earthquake here in Adelaide. It was only a 3 something on the Richter scale, but it was enough of a tremor to make young men feel like studs if they climaxed at the right time. I’m sorry, but I missed it; I climaxed hours before hand and was sound asleep. But how awesome would that have been to reach that moment with my lady, move the Earth, and then give her a wink? It would be a moment you would tell your kids.

Unfortunately, I have managed to miss every earthquake I have been in, except for the first.

I was in Nagoya Japan on a school trip in 2001 sitting in my host mother’s lounge room doing a cultural exchange for a few days, but only succeeding in communicating in the international language of over acting mime. All of a sudden the room, and I assume the whole house, started to shake, and there was a loud roar coming from outside. I assumed it was a low flying plane or something and did not think much about it. The host mum casually reached for the electronic dictionary, and started typing in a word. She found what she was looking for, handed me the dictionary and pointed to a word.

“HOLY SHIT, IT’S A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE!”

I crawled backwards over the back of the lounge like a crab trying the fish vindaloo for the first time screaming to the door; trying to remember anything about earthquakes survival I had seen in movies. The host mum was laughing her head off – so much for polite society.

When I had calmed down, the host Mum reached for her electronic dictionary and typed in a phrase. "Did the earth move for you?" she asked and had another giggle.

On the news later in the evening, I had no idea what they were saying, but they had a chart over the map of Japan showing the earthquake being 4 point something on the crap-your-dacks scale. I would have sworn that the aftershocks in my pants were higher.

The Japanese earthquake and tsunami earlier this year was a tragedy, and certainly not funny, but I would love to think that there is someone out there, out on the fringes of the earthquake, who timed their release at the precise moment the Earth did. He would be a hero.

Have you ever reached orgasm during an earthquake? If not, do you have a favourite earthquake moment?

Trashy Holidays

Feeling stressed? Need a break? Got more money than sense? Then take a trip on Garbage Patch Cruises! You can take part in the exclusive eco adventure of a plastic bag’s lifetime when the Sea Dragon sails two months through swirling pools of garbage in the North Pacific Ocean. Just contact the 5 Gyres Institute and Algalita Marine Research Institute and say the secret phrase, “hello sailor”.

People can apply to be part a research/observation “adventure” and monitor the accumulation of debris in the Pacific Ocean following the March 2011 Tsunami that devastated the Japanese coast. Applicants who will be successful will be able to help sail the ship, take part in observations, and cough up $13,500 for the first leg and/or $15,500 for the second.

:O

Holly fuck, 13 and a half grand to get your sea legs! Or at least the first one! If you can only afford one, will they lean over board and fashion a peg leg from floating crap?

Now, I am all for the environment, she and I go way back, but sometimes I have to question the motivation and actions of some people that champion her cause. It feels like at times that they are right up there with vitamin sales people and mortgage brokers; they’re a bit dodgy and have hidden terms and conditions on their reasoning. What is the trip hoping to achieve? Raise awareness? Get stuffed. How about while you’re there you pick up some of that toxic plastic shit and take it back to land instead of waving a flag trying to attract attention?

I should point out both the 5 Gyres Institute and Algalita Marine Research Institute are non-profit groups, and on the surface they have grave concerns about the amount of crap circulating the oceans. I feel that raising awareness is not enough anymore. Society is suffering from aware-fatigue.

Every man and his good willed dog is trying to save the planet and trying to grab the public’s attention. Only to make it aware that life is more shit than they thought. We are tired of being told that we are selfish, destroying the air we breathe, and that doing nothing is just as bad. But you don’t want a society to drop everything and help, trust me, think of consequences. Imagine if everyone started helping and doing everything they can because it was the thing to do. Now, because it is the thing to do, people will stop doing it.

If you’re not careful, environmental ideals will go mainstream and embed itself in popular culture. That would make it cool and therefore uncool because everyone is doing it. Hipsters will start firing cans of hairspray into the air, and CFC fridges will be cool because they are retro.

People in linen pants stalking farmer’s markets calling me Hitler for not growing my own food is bad enough, but hipsters burning tires is worse.

I'm no pack horse

Earlier in the year I went for a five week holiday in Hong Kong and Japan. It was fun, I did some face sliding down a mountain in Niseko (gravity did not care if I had either skis or a snowboard attached to my feet – it still kicked my arse). I watched the 2010 New Year Sumo Tournament in Tokyo; that was awesome, you would not think it but nothing says “a good day out” like two fat men running at each other in nappies. I did try and lose my passport in Hiroshima, but despite my best effort, the horribly nice people of Japan returned everything, including all the money in my bag. Criminals of Japan must try harder.

Because we went in January, it was winter in Japan, and it got bloody cold. We left Adelaide on the tail end of a heat wave, and in Niseko it reached -20 degrees when we were learning how to ski. I had two pairs of gloves on and I still could not feel my fingers. And then the wind picked up.

There I was, an Australian tourist with not a whole heap of exposure to sub zero temperatures, and therefore I was wearing a long sleave t-shirt, a jumper and a rather large coat on with really big pockets; still feeling cold. The big pockets were great, because it was so cold outside every shop keeper in Japan set the thermostat to 50 degrees. Every time you walked into a shop you basically had to strip down to your undies so you would stop baking.

In one department store alone I could have heated up a roast chicken in each coat pocket. They were huge! Probably still are. It got so hot I stuffed my beanie, scarf, gloves (two pair), and whatever paraphernalia I felt appropriate at the time like into all the pockets available. Sometimes even my wallet, camera, or map.

Our last stop in Japan was Sapporo, which is on the North Island, and every year they host the “Winter Snow Festival”, because what people want to do when it is freezing cold outside, snowing, the wind is biting through your clothing, and ice paving the streets is to spend more time outside looking at ice sculptures. I am well known to not being the art world’s biggest supporter so let me make this clear; Leonardo Di Vinci’s Mona Lisa is a master piece because it can stand against the test of time. Ice sculptures on the other hand could not even stand up against a hair dryer.

Sapporo does have some good, indoor attractions, like a brewery and a chocolate factory. When people ask about holidays in Japan, the Japanese Tourist Board does not answer ninja, sumo, sushi, chopsticks, or the nation who has been on the receiving end of the most nuclear bombs; they say beer and chocolate.

The best and worst thing in Sapporo was in fact the chocolate factory. Every factory tour you go on there are tasting areas and cafes where you can eat, but this little ripper had itself an all-you-can-eat cake buffet. And it was awesome. I have never been that sick on sweets before, even in my childhood I did not get much of a chance. I must have had myself five or so plates of cake and tarts and two pots of tea. So good.

When the nausea set in we were leaving the buffet, via the gift shop of course, so I just shoved everything in my pockets that was on the table, rather than putting things like my video camera away. Every pocket was full.

Tea drinkers might be aware that when you drink tea, it just goes straight through you, and when you have two pots, you will spend the next three days peeing. I needed my first wee within five minutes of leaving the factory, and fifteen minutes later I found my first available toilet.

The odd thing about Japan, but not the only one I assure you, is how mental they are on their hygiene. They are so obsessed about not wanting to touch things almost every toilet you walk into has automatic everything. Therefore I was a little surprised, and a little shocked, that this toilet had the traditional western twisting taps. I was also a little surprised and a little shocked about the fact that the traditional western twisting taps had left hand thread. No longer was it “righty tighty, lefty loosey”, and it took me a while and almost a dislocated shoulder to work that one out.

Before I washed my hands I walked quickly to the toilet. I fumbled at my fly, but I had too much stuff in the way. So I then thought it was a good idea to unpack my coat pockets onto the shelf above the urinal; that way I would have better access to my gear and able to hold my jacket away from it.

So onto the shelf went my maps, gloves, scarf, used tickets and my video camera.

The unfortunate thing is that my video camera was facing to my left, towards the door, and at first I thought nothing of it, and then the moment I started making water a Japanese man walked in. He strolled up to the urinal on my left, unzipped, saw the camera, re-zipped and left. He did not say a word. Or wash his hands.