Sunday, June 26, 2011

For love in the country - The top 3 pickup lines for country towns

When I talk to people who have spent their entire lives in Adelaide I hear “Adelaide sucks – there is nothing to do”. Granted it does not draw the big international acts as some of the Eastern state cousins, or has the best restaurants, and even the supermarkets are closed at 9pm, but the feeling of “nothing to do” stems from not being stuck in traffic for an extra two hours a day. You have more spare time than you know what to do with. “Fuck it, I’ll go and watch Neighbours,” should never be an option.

It gives me the shits because I grew up in a country town where you could do only three things; drink, breed, and move away. Sometimes you would multitask, sometimes too much of option one and two, led to three, but in true country town fashion it was not always in that order.

Teenage pregnancy was rife where I grew up, probably still is but I am avoiding researching more, and it was a problem before the baby bonus. Harvey Norman is doing better for it mind you, even with all the restrictions. Centrelink is not kidding anyone by making the baby bonus come in weekly instalments when you can rent to buy?

A school that I went to from year 8 to year 10 (14-16 years old... give or take... mostly take... wink!) allegedly had eleven cases of pregnancy. The school where I did year 11 and 12 (do the math yourself) now has a creche. It makes sense when you learn that up until 2004 you could only get ABC, SBS, and a bastardisation of Channel 7. Foxtel/Austar helped, but not everyone got it, but everyone was getting it... wink!

It is not because the women have lower standards, or every man that you meet is as smooth as Sean Connery in a room full of Octopussies. It is because everyone is bored, and mate selection has skewed so that even nerds like me get some.

The top pick up lines are as follows:

• I have a job

• I have a girlfriend

• I know Ro... Steve

If you have a job, you have skills that conjure income and to have something to talk about other than your family tree, just to be safe. The bonus with the job pick up line is that you can buy drinks, ergo; you can hide the fact that you have the personality like soiled underpants by blurring your way to victory.

An extension of this pick up line is “I am an operator”. An operator is someone who operates machinery at the local plant. They generally have no transferable skills, but they work 12 hour shifts and earn a butt load of cash.

A more effective pick up line is surprisingly having a girlfriend. By having a girlfriend it tells women that at some stage you were not an arse long enough to theoretically “commit” to a relationship, but you must be good in bed because now you are cheating and still in one... or soon will be... wink! One of my mates swears by this method, and he is clueless to the chicken and the egg scenario.

Having a girlfriend and being an operator makes you a sex god. You work long hours and in shifts, so you, and your partner, can both cheat and still have plenty of time to get the stink off.

The third option is a little obscure but worked a charm. As I did not have a job through school, refused to cheat on my girlfriends (some did not return that favour), and was a nerd, I was lucky enough to be cool by association. One friend in particular, let’s just call him Steve, is a little bit effeminate, but has had more than his fair share of tail. And I mean more than his fair share. The girls love him, and by being one of his mates I was cool and suave by association. Very handy.

Adelaide is not as bad as people think, its residents just lack the practise of finding their own fun. Just be thankful that your daughter, or son, is not coming home to give you the bad news that you are going to be a grandparent before you turn 50. But I do feel sorry for people growing up in the city; with so much more to do they have to entertain themselves... wink!

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