Making heroes super since childhood

This post was also published here for The Chess Hammer - 50% more damage than the Chess Club

The topic of Superheros came up at work. And namely, if a light-sabre can cut through anything except other light-sabres, and Superman can only be weakened by kryptonite, what would happen if we hit Superman with a light-sabre?

Superman never really did it for me, because as a hero he has it easy; he can punch all his problems into the sun.

Look out! That man has a gun!

Boof! Into the sun!

Here comes Lex Luther!

Boof! Into the sun!

How come we never go out anymore? You go out, you save the world, you come home and you sit your arse on that couch! Why don’t you take me flying anymore? You never take me anywhere! Why did I leave Clark Kent for you Superman?

Boof! Lois into the sun! And that’s why Superman is a bullshit superhero. Not because he hits women, but because he is boring. (The “hitting women” thing is not cool either. And maybe made up by me for educational purposes. I do have it on good authority that he gets a little punchy when he’s drinking whiskey though)

I did not want to be a superhero growing up. I loved what they stood for, but did not want to be one for two reasons

1.      I'm allergic to taking punches to the face (I break out in swelling), and

2.      My favourite superhero was The Phantom, and even as a child I knew the social consequences of looking for fights in purple tights. See reason 1.

For those who had normal childhoods, The Phantom is “the Ghosts who walks”. He is not really one man but 21 of them over the course of history. It has been a family business for 400 years, and father passes on the responsibility to their son so that the rest of the world thinks of him as immortal. He has no super powers, but he can shoot the guns out of your hands and deliver whopping punches to the face. He is a man who trained hard to be who he was, and he fought for good. The Phantom is a fine moral compass to any young man finding his place in the world.

When the time comes for the new Phantom he would swear an oath on the skull of his forefathers and the symbol of his mission, “I swear to devote my life to the destruction of piracy, greed, cruelty, and injustice in all their forms, and my sons and their sons shall follow me”. This pledge happened more than 400 years ago when piracy was piracy and his mortal enemy was the pirates the Singh Brotherhood. Not some knob from New Zealand who changed his surname to DotCom.

Is that the face of piracy today? People who host peer to peer sites? Piracy is certainly getting rounder in the face and more acne. There are the attacks on ships along the coast of Somalia I guess, but they are not rocking the skull and crossbones either. At least they get the point, but I digress...

What would happen if you hit Superman with a light-sabre?

Nerd forums explode. That’s your answer.

Will you, I do, What?

There is no point in denying it anymore, I am going bald. It started thinning at the back so I could convince myself in the mirror that I was still fine, but it snuck up on me. There is no hiding it, as you cannot wear a hat inside forever no matter how backwards it is facing.

I asked around for advice because going bald is not that uncommon, but the guys at work gave me an odd suggestion, “hurry up and get married before you get too thin”. Really? Hurry up before I look too shit for my photos. I just might be that shallow, but I am not about to do anything that rash.

Wedding photos are from a happy point in your life, a major event where most of your loved ones will get together and bludge on your free food. The photos will come up again and again, so why wouldn’t you want to look your best, but to get married to only make sure you had good hair in the photos has a Kim Kardashian feel to it.

The idea of marriage scares me a little. Not the whole commitment thing, even though life is a long time considering you could get only 20 years for murder, but the idea of hosting a wedding party/reception/ceremony stresses me out. A wedding is the most expensive dress up party you will ever take part in, unless you do cosplay because then you are unlikely to get married.

A wedding is only a party, but it has to be perfect. No pressure or anything. Hosting parties used to be easy; couple boxes of goon, some punch, chips, dips, done. Maybe a Streets Viennetta if it was pay week. Music? I have a couple of mixed CDs here that I made, and a playlist when it became the 21^st century.

The planning that is required for a wedding is making eloping sound like a good idea. Then it would be more along the lines of changing utility provider. A celebrant comes over your house with a black folder and a name tag, you sign some forms, and then you update Facebook. Done.

I can foresee arguments in my future centred on me not pulling my weight. But if you want to get men more involved in weddings legalise gay marriage.

Right now, thanks but no thanks; I’m going to take my chances with Photoshop. If the bride can wear a veil so can I.

Sweet dress up parties

November is here. The best thing about November is the coming moustache. The second best thing is the end of Halloween.

I guess people would have noticed by now that Halloween is forcing its way into Australian culture. Australia will soon be the 52nd United State; right after England. Why is that? Is it TV doing this to us? Is it globalisation? Is it the long period of time between Father’s Day and justifying Christmas merchandise that has shop keepers with empty display shelves? The later is probably more to the point; consumerism after all is what made the USA the shining example it is today... cough.

But I am no sociologist, or a scientist. I can only pretend to prove my opinions; just like the millions of internet users who only sample entirely within their own demographic. There are enough blogs like that.

Halloween does have a good point – it is a good excuse to go to a costume party. Costume parties are awesome, and even the lame common themes can be fun (Pimps and Ho’s = sigh). For some reason we need an excuse for costume parties. Even though they are among the most fun types of parties – even more fun than ones with bouncing castles (less spew to clean) and LAN parties (less spew and nerds to clean). If they are so fun, why do we need an excuse? Ten pin bowling is not fun, but yet we still do that without an excuse.

Costume parties all give us something in common, and an easy first line for people who struggle in social situations/picking up. Plus they make that knob in the $300 designer jeans look ridiculous because he is not wearing face paint. That is handy for people like me who look ridiculous in a $300 pair of designer jeans.

I am never any good at getting a costume together; I generally leave it too late and mostly because I am lazy. My contribution to the party is below par, but I know a couple of people who go all out with outfits. Their costumes are always amazing and just blow people away – I am cool by association and I get away with leaching off their success. Are they coat tails? I will have me some of them.

More costume parties and less Halloween I say, you do not need an excuse, just trow one. And start growing your moustache people!