Friday, May 11, 2012

Nutella - kicking arse without bubblegum

Adelaide stand-up comedian Michael G D’Agostino is a man brave enough to not only do stand-up, but do it almost naked. But I am sad to report that Mr D’Agostino has in fact lost the plot. The man is pea-nuts.

Michael said on his blog recently that peanut butter is the “best thing since sliced bread". Personally I would have at least chosen penicillin since the patent for making peanut butter is dated 1884 and bread did not become sliced until well after the shift from home bakers to factory made bread in the 1930s. There is even archaeological evidence that the ancient Aztecs feasted on a similar peanut paste. Sorry Mr D’Agostino, but you are wrong.

In Australia the most Aussie thing to have on a sandwich is vegemite, but being an acquired taste and not very versatile, the best spread in my opinion is the hazelnut chocolate spread known as Nutella.

It is far from being healthy, and if you are sad enough to think that it ever was then we can no longer be friends. This however does not make peanut butter healthier as anything can be unhealthy in excess, even water. Since Australia is the fattest nation per capita, closely followed by other western countries, who are we trying to kid about wanting something healthy? They are both on par for energy density, and qualification by being the “lesser of two evils” is just being delusional. Dog poo is a healthier choice then cat poo, but you are not going to tuck into that.

If you were a crepe, you would choose Nutella. If you were a creep, you would chose peanuts. Not just because it sounds like urine and testicles, but because there is nothing more evil in this world than peanut butter.

Kraft peanut butter, the most beloved peanut butter in Australia and Canada (due to hit American shelves soon), is never oily, never dry, but leaves a taste of evil on the roof of your mouth. In 1988 Philip Morris Companies purchased Kraft for $12.9 billion. What type of companies could afford $12.9 billion in 1988? Tobacco companies, that’s who. Phillip Morris changed their name to Altria in 2003, and then in 2007 the 88.1% of Kraft that Altria owned was given to their own shareholders. Altria is a company that founded its own “science” institute so that smoking, pesticides and global warming could have a fair voice on their side by bullying the scientific community and dismissing all their research as bullocks. This institute was run by a man on who was a columnist for Fox News, and we know how politically balanced those guys are. 

Mega consumer goods company Unilever, whose use of palm oil had been clearing forests in Indonesia until someone mentioned it in public, owns “Skippy”, one of the three most popular American brands of peanut butter. Unilever plans to have their palm oil from sustainable forests within the next couple of years, good on them, but they were clearing land in the forests of Côte d'Ivoire to do so until protesters started pointing out the irony. In their defence, it was a supplier and not Unilever themselves doing the damage, and to their credit is now pushing for a proper environmental study. However a company of that size and dedication to the environmental wellbeing of the Earth to still to have a “if we don’t ask you don’t tell” is very disappointing.

Then there is Peter Pan, the brand of peanut butter that has killed people. In 2006 they had a highly publicised salmonella outbreak that made hundreds of people sick in 46 of the 50 United States and led to 9 human deaths. I say human deaths because there are no figures of deaths in the pet food products that were contaminated. To be clear, I’m still talking about the peanut butter Peter Pan and not some pubescent teen breaking into your house and stealing your children by drugging them with “fairy dust”.

Jif is the highest selling peanut butter brand in the USA owned by the J.M. Smucker Co. who specifically target stay home mothers in their advertising, proving once and for all the power in day time television. If you are willing to pay for your advertising to sit around episodes of the “Bold and the Beautiful” (which is anything but) then you deserve to be tasered to death in the nipple with a spoon full of salmonella to help your own medicine to go down.

Okay, so I found no dirt on J.M. Smucker Co., but they sound like drain cleaner, so… yeah… take that!

Despite the atrocities that peanut butter makers have done over the years there is really only one thing that separates the spreads and that is taste. For lunch, breakfast, or even dessert Nutella tastes like methamphetamines from the gods. After a loving spoonful you want to dance like a knob and make love to household items. Surveys have shown that the majority of women would prefer to eat chocolate than have sex. There are no figures on where women stand on sex vs. peanuts; it’s probably because they’re all too busy having chocolate or sex.

The most popular flavour of anything in the world is chocolate. Even potato chips rock with a chocolate flavour (try a salted variety with Nutella; you will need to change your pants). So why not have the most popular flavour on the most popular lunch food in the western world? You are not crossing the desert or running from a famine ravaged country, torn by decades of war, fighting the crowd at the Red Cross truck. You are not Bear Grylls forced to squeeze the moisture from faeces. Statistically you live in a city or a town. You live in civilisation surrounded by access to food and you are on the internet where you are surrounded by food in 4-6 weeks. What’s the point of living in the West if you can’t love the luxuries?

Go on, have Nutella on your sandwich.

26 comments:

  1. Dammit, too sauced at the moment to go into this, but you've got an email coming your way about vegemite, Americans, and projectile vomiting. Plus there were some sarcastic kangaroo comments in there, but this is only because our Aussie friend wasn't familiar with American style shit-giving.

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  2. I'm a card-carrying foodie and a chocoholic who loves this post of yours, Rusty, because it features interesting conversation about foods I love, without including all the boring recipe stuff I see on so many other (mommy-type) blogs. :D

    I love peanut butter (Jif is my favorite) but I love, worship and totally adore Nutella! Apparently Jif has just released their own version of chocolate hazelnut spread. For purely scientific reasons, I'll force myself to do an extensive taste test. :)

    BTW, the link you included about the Nutella class action lawsuit was unbelievable and downright hilarious! Seriously, what in the world are people thinking when they purchase a jar of it? Of course it's not a health food! But while it may be bad for the body, it's fabulous for the mind!

    --Susan

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    1. The Nutella article makes me laugh and makes me sad.

      We all wish Nutella would be healthy, but then it suddenly wouldn't taste so good. Keep up that scientific work! I look forward to reading your results :p

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  3. At least once a week, I make a peanut butter, Nutella and marshmallow creme sandwich. Love them all.

    Vegemite I can barely choke down.

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    1. Vegemite will put lead in your pencil ;)

      It is definitely an Australian food, because Australians are weaned from an early age. Don't start with a jam thick spread, have more butter than Vegemite.

      I am partial to a peanut butter and Nutella - taste like a Snickers bar

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  4. Awesome post. I have so much to say about peanut butter, but I'll try to keep it brief.
    A) Peter Pan is THE BOMB for making peanut-butter cookies. It is the butteriest of peanut butters, and every baker will tell you that butter is what makes things flaky. My peanut butter cookies will MELT IN YOUR MOUTH!
    B) Kroger grocery stores' store-brand peanut butter rates higher than either Jif or Skippy for me.
    C) Crunchy. Always go crunchy. ...unless you are baking cookies.

    I enjoy Nutella, but if I do both together I feel like I am eating dessert, so I have to choose. I choose peanut butter. Given a choice between a jar of peanut butter or a box of chocolates, I will take the peanut butter.

    ...and I guess I'll stop there.

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    1. I gather you're a fan of peanut butter then?

      I was a crunchy fan until I had to start paying for peanut butter myself. Sooth seems to last longer, and nothing is smoother than Nutella (see what I did there :p)

      I have to ask Red, what's wrong with dessert at lunch?

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    2. True, smooth does last longer, and in a budget crisis I will go with smooth.

      Nothing's wrong with dessert at lunch. I am a big proponent of the "life is uncertain: eat dessert first" philosophy. Unfortunately, it is not practical to do it all the time, not when there are peanut butter cookies to be had. OOOH! peanut butter cookies, *spread with nutella*. Yes.

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    3. Spread with Nutella? I think you're onto something...

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    4. We tried it. It's awesome. I mention it in my latest post, and give your blog credit for the war that started it all.

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  5. It's not just women. I'd take an hour with a bottle of Nutella over an hour with my wife any day. Or both? Now I'm just getting greedy.

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    1. I guess an hour with the jar, the jar is more likely to finish before you for a change...

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  6. Nutella tastes like butt. Buttella.

    Hey I read this and thought of you, Mr. Funnypants Comedian. Do you know her?

    http://selenacoppock.blogspot.com/2012/05/eyes-on-your-own-paper.html

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    1. No I don't know her. I went and checked her out, that is a good article, and one I am forwarding on to a fellow stand-up. Thanks for that!

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  7. And why in the sam's hell aren't you on twitter. Besides it being a time suck and stupid, it's also awesome and helpful.

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    Replies
    1. A few people have asked me similar questions. Maybe it is time

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    2. It is time - add me @Enter_Gloria

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  8. Nutella = god.

    nutella + peanut butter = holy mother of god.

    Nutella + peanut butter + ice cream = /explosion/

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    1. The world cannot handle that much concentrated awesomeness in one bowl.

      You need to be careful if you continue playing with forces beyond comprehension

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  9. I stumbled upon your blog the other day -- specifically this post. Then saw the Peanut butter vs. Nutella war. And, well, being a defender of all that's peanut butter, I had to give my two cents with a comparison... :)

    http://hoohaablog.com/?p=3807

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    1. The Spread Wars are spreading... war...

      I welcome anyone who wants to add their two cents, two pence, two pesos, two rupee, two francs, two RMB, 2 yen...

      As long as its not for peanut butter :p

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  10. I much prefer Nutella over peanut butter. Except for the fact that it has the tendency to get everywhere. And then you have guilty Nutella stains. Which look suspiciously like poop

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    1. That is so true. I polished of a jar last night, and when I say polished it looked like the jar had been washed, I had the chocolate gold all over my hand.

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    2. Thanks for the book recommendation by the way! I can get it for free on my Kindle too - sweeeeettt

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    3. Free on Kindle? What a bargain!

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