An argument won - Flash Fiction

This post I have entered in the DudeWrite Flash (.... a ahh!) fiction competition. The challenge was to write an original short story under 500 words using the first sentence as a prompt.

“If you told me two weeks ago we wouldn’t be having this discussion now,” said Mary.
“No, instead we would’ve had the argument two weeks ago,” replied Darren. Two weeks would not have made a difference, I don’t want to go.
“This is not an argument.”
“Really? Could’ve fooled me. I don’t want to go to my stupid reunion, but you want to go and you’re forcing me to do what you want. Sounds like an argument to me,” it’s not a nice thing to say, but she never understands why I hate these things. The idea of going to a high school reunion makes my skin crawl, why would anyone want to go?
“I’m not forcing you Darren.”
“Why are we still having this conversation?”
“Don’t you want to see your old high school friends?”
“Shit no, if I had wanted to see them after all these years do you think I would’ve poked them on Facebook by now”. What a waste of time Facebook is. I only log on when people tag-thingy me in photos.  I think I’ve only done like one or two status updates.
“What about me Darren? Did you think that I might have wanted to go?”
“But it’s my high school reunion”
“I want to meet your old school friends. Your old crushes, old girlfriends?”
“You’ve met Michael”
“Michael wasn’t a crush, wasn’t he?”
“No!”
“Still, I want to meet old girlfriends.”
“It was an all-boys school Mary. There were no girlfriends. It’s just going to be sad with people longing for halcyon days without beer gut and a full head of hair. I don’t want to go because it’s a bunch of knobs trying too hard to be earnest in an attempt to hide the fact that it’s a pissing competition with an open bar.”
“Aren’t you proud of your achievements?”
“I am, but that’s why I have a Facebook page. I can brag about how awesome I am without having to suffer the pain in talking to these people. You think I created a page to see you ‘like’ spam photos because you love your dog? I know you love your dog even though I walk him every day! The good news is that now this is an argument!” She didn’t like that. Mary’s eyes turned cold and continued making the bed. I don’t want to go, it is my reunion and it is my decision. I turned to leave the room; it was time to watch football.
“Are we going to the Clarkson’s still Sunday? Honey?” I didn’t get a response. I turn back to the bedroom to see if she heard me. She heard me, she looked at me so I know she heard me, but she didn’t look happy. “Are we still going Sunday?” I asked again, Mary had dug in for a silent treatment. Sigh.
Looks like I’m going to my reunion after all. One night of hell there or weeks of torture here? Time to hire a Porsche.

Two Ignorant Aussies continues

I know what you are thinking - It is only the 16th of July, how could I be posting already?

As a treat Mr D'Agostino and myself got together and recorded a pod-cast for The Lady in Red over at a bozo's abbozzo... and Jax over at Raviolis & Waterworks and have decided to share it with you all.

You can hear part one and part two on Raviolis & Waterworks and The World As I See It. Or you can download it and have me in your ear any time from http://soundcloud.com/michael-g-dagostino.

It was good fun to record and are talking about doing another one eventually. Let us know what you think because Mike and I do like to hear feedback. If you have things you want to ask, leave comments below or send us an email, a tweet, or even a carrier pigeon.

Suggestions on a title would be appreciated ;)

Cheers,

Rusty

Nutella strikes back

As I was sitting at home licking the Nutella left on my hands after making another jar transparent, I have been overwhelmed with the response that Michael and I have received over Nutellabeing better than peanut butter

What started as a friendly debate apparently involves poking bears. I do not get it, if you have seen Michael in real life, and believe me I have seen more than I would request; he is the least “bear” like man-boy I have ever seen. If anything he would be more teddy bear, and on some days more My Little Pony. Granted “you’ve poked the plush toy” does not strike the fear into the hearts of the Nutella alliance. “Beanie kids for Peanut Butter” has a nice ring to it though. (Note: on reflection this is a little harsh as Michael is by far one of the nicest people I have ever met. Even though I walked straight past, he will stop, open his bag, dig around for his wallet for a few minutes, and then hand over more change than I or the person in need was expecting. Ultimate nice guy, but all is fair in love and Spread wars)

"I say to you, ask not what your sandwich can do for your spread, but what your spread can do for your sandwich"

But this isn’t about Michael’s over compensation for his manliness; this is about Nutella, and to a lesser extent peanut butter. There may appear to be an overwhelming support for peanut butter but the spread has nested itself within the American diet, and asking them to choose between the two is as pointless as asking an Italian if they preferred sauerkraut over pasta. We know that all depended on who was winning World War II at the time. Nutella finds its origins in Europe and there it sees a competitive market share since peanuts are not grown in significant quantities.


I brought up all the flashy figures and articles because we should all know where our food comes from and who is making money from it. Food and Beverage is a major part of every countries economy and these people also fund the campaigns of the people who make the decisions. Does it "subtract in any way from the glorious majesty of the product itself?" No it does not change the taste, but it should still mean something to you. So I do think about what peanut butter has done for society, and since they sponsor media outlets and people like Fox News producers and politicians (who are so right-wing that it even makes the pope uncomfortable) to discredit actual scientists and mislead the public.

"We have nothing to fear except fear and peanut butter if we are allergic"

George Washington Carver did not invent peanut butter, but merely rediscovered it, independently yes. He was beaten by a few hundred years by the Aztecs. This is one of the great misconceptions of history. Be careful what you find on Wikipedia Michael. the biggest lie of them all is that peanuts are not nuts, they are legumes. If you can't trust the name, what can you trust?

"I have nothing to declare except for Nutella and my genius."

Many do not know this but during the pilot episode of ready steady cook the audience would determine the winner for voting team Nutella or team peanut butter. It was a storming success for Team Nutella which won the cook off despite not turning the oven on. Ready Steady Cook was finally re-branded as Tomato Vs Capsicum/Red Pepper when picked up for broadcast due to peanut butter not being a proper noun. When pointed out to the producers that tomato and capsicum/pepper are not proper nouns either they replied, “yes but we do want the other team to have a chance at least. Against Nutella there was nothing peanut butter could do.” May not be true. Even TV producers know better than to put Nutella up against peanut butter at risk of ruining the American economy...

"I wouldn’t want to be a member of a club that would accept me as a member who prefers peanut butter"

I have seen many people vouch for the joining of the two spreads – a racial harmony of sandwiches. People shout out at Michael and I on the street “mate, can’t you just put your nuts together?” and they didn't even know we have blogs. The spreads can co-exist, but there is only one Nutella. That is because it exists on a higher plain. It fell from the heavens to anoint and bless all who stain the backs of their hand scraping out the last bits.

"Working is the curse of the drinking class." - Not spread related, but important to note.

50 is the new... wait.... no, 50 is still just 50

The Internet can surely be used
better than this

Today I hit my 50th post. True it has taken me a few years to get here, but slow and steady is something I am not known for anywhere else but in the blogosphere. In the outside world I would be known as "the guy that doesn't stop talking" at work, "the guy from the country that can talk proper" at fencing, the "guy who thinks he knows it all" in my home town, "who's that guy? And why is he talking to me?" at stand-up gigs, "the man who isn't funny" with my girlfriend, "the man who runs ultra marathons" at my gym, but in my running group I am "the guy that can barely keep up".

It seems that I am a lot of things these days.

I am also recently a winner of not one, but two more kreativ blogger awards. One from my partner in crime, as long as the crime is murdering jokes, Michael D'Agostino of The world As I See It and one from Red from Doesn't Speak Klingon.

Normally I would have to answer questions and pass the award onto recipients, but considering I take my sweet arse time in writing posts I seem to be last at the restaurant holding the bill. So I will have to announce great new blogs when I find them. So here is a blog to get you started: Delightfully Ludicrous. I am quite new to this blog but I find her posts interesting and amusing. I don't follow blogs unless they do something for me and I follow this one. Coincidence? (I am not sure Kelie will be using that quote anytime soon for promotional purposes: "I follow this one" - Rusty).

Favourite Song?
It jumps between "Forty Six & 2" or "Lateralus" by Tool depending if I am feeling philosophical or mathematical.

Kreativ to the power of 3... allegedly

What's your favourite dessert?
Crepe with Nutella! Also a big fan of biscuits, but it's not a dessert food as it's any time food, because tea is an any time drink.

What do you do when you are upset?
Frown. I usually do something to distract me in the meantime.

Which is your favourite pet?
I currently have no pets because I rent. It is easier to find places when you have no pets. I love dogs, and I generally love it when my friends have dogs, because then they are like children that are not mine, I can play with them and give them back without having to walk them, feed them, vaccinate them, bath them, ...

White Bread or Wholemeal?
If I am having vegemite, then you have got to rock the white bread. Any situation requiring more flair than a standard loaf should be a white bread in my opinion. Everyday sandwich, go the wholemeal, unless you are celiac. Then go with the rice crackers.

Bread is a moot point for Nutella; it doesn't matter what bread you use, because bread is merely the vessel for chocolaty goodness.

What's your biggest fear?
Never being good enough and being a disappointment

What's your attitude most of the time?
It depends on how many people sign up for Nutella over peanut butter, which isn't going well so far. I would like to think happy, but I am at work at the moment so it could be anything...

10 Random facts.
01. I grew up in country South Australia, but I was born in country New South Wales. 
10. I like using binary to cheat.

So after 50 what is next? 51, but there are other projects on the way. I have been asked to submit a short story for a South Australian writing group putting together an anthology, more stand up when I can get these new jokes right (or I throw them out entirely and start again), I am starting a Masters in Project Management in two weeks, full marathon in August, and new and exciting projects with Michael to be released soon, so watch our blogs (and there are a few more blogs coming a long for the ride) for details.

And to celebrate my milestone I am announcing my ascention into more time wasting opportunities, because lets face it, what is the point of having time you are not allowed to waste it?

"Stop stalling give us the announcement!"

Fine, I have decided to joining the swelling ranks of twitter.

Tweet this.

So release the twitters! I have decided to take the plunge into that great time waster of them all, if you wish to follow me you can catch my antics at @RustyHartup


If you have twitter, and you are reading this, then you qualify to being followed so leave it for me to start stalking (not an actual stalk).

I was hoping to post another stand up clip to celebrate 50. I have been working on new stuff, but the jokes are not ready yet to be released into the blogosphere.


But thank you very much for all of you who stop by here time to time, and I hope we can spend many evenings, lunchtimes, or just when the boss isn't looking, what ever the time of day, together.


Cheers,


Rusty

Winter coat of our discontent

The one thing I hate about the winter is getting a haircut because now my ears are cold. The bald patch growing out back has stayed the same temperature but my ears are cold. It is nothing a hat cannot fix, but a sheep does not wear a jumper. Winter is coming. Winter is coming, and I have cold ears. 

Okay I may have been watching too much Game of Thrones; actually winter is already here in the southern hemisphere. The days are gloomy, the nights are cold, and the worst thing is that there is no snow to justify the shivering.  Even without snow, after a point cold is cold and the number doesn’t matter. It’s just cold. 

I generally don’t feel the cold too much. I’m too busy metabolising food like a mad man and I had a mop of a hair style for extra insulation on top. That is all gone now, not gone as in I shaved my head, if anything I got a more fashionable haircut than I have had in a long time. And by long time I mean at least 8 years. When I left the barber’s last Saturday I was welcomed outside by a gust of cold air right in the front face. Icicles were forming on my lobes. 

Hello, Ladies...

I should say almost fashionable because I am slowly but surely starting to bald and that will never be "in", andI have curly hair. And curly hair will never be "in" for anyone over the age of 6. Despite what the expression expresses, curls do not get the girls. When has a women ever described a man as “hot” solely by their hair alone? Jack Osborne has curly hair, and I don't think he's beating the ladies off with a stick. 

(Insert beating stick joke)

(Insert “insert beating stick joke”) 

If I can offer any advice, it would be that Nutella is better than peanut butter (isn't that right Mr. D'Agostino? You know it is true not just better in taste, but also more righteous) and when combined they make a great sandwich, but my word of caution would be that you should never get a haircut when you are hung-over. 

There are rules against obtaining tattoos when under the influence of alcohol, but I would like to see them extended to the morning after. Because when the man is running that comb through your hair and he finds a tangle you just want him to die a slow and painful death just like you. I was in that situation on the weekend and I wasn't in the best of health when I sat in the barber’s chair; I winced at the cool mist of water wetting my hair, the sound of the scissors echoed deep in my ears, and my temples throbbed as that damned clipper slid over my skin like someone trying to make a Slip ‘n’ Slide on concrete. I wasn't having a good time, I just wanted the bad man to stop. The barber could have just shaved a strip down my head and cut some lines into my eyebrows, and when he would pull the mirror out to show me the back for the "what do you think?", I would already be standing at the counter ready to pay. 

Luckily it turned out to be a girlfriend approved haircut, but it could have been much worse. Remember kids if you're drinking, don't get your haircut. 

This has been a health and safety announcement... I think