Motivation guaranteed

Social media is riddled with motivation pictures’ clogging up news feeds these days, all with the purpose of making the world fluffy and safe, and to help us as a society to be more than we are. To be honest, most of them give me the shits.



Exhibit A

I like a good humorous quote, but anything sounding like it was originally written for a “gift” magnet, only motivates me as far as aspirin and beer. I don’t know what that says about my own insecurities as a man, or as a human being (men and humans being mutually exclusive sets), but I know I am not perfect and I will never compare to a picture of a basket of puppies with an earnest caption. Or even smell as good. Will reading every single one make me a better person?

If I had to pick a motto my first choice would have to be “if it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done”. It is an unspoken rule of the world. For example, just look at the policy output of governments when they are moving into an election year. Suddenly there are all sorts of spending and policy splurges that would have been wasted midway through the term. Who remembers anything good from two years in? Only Rupert Murdoch, and he only remembers if he likes you.

Doing stuff after the last minute is pointless, so you need that last minute to squeeze out all you can. If it wasn't for that last minute my team would never win, or I would never be able to catch a bus, see the supermarket open, or even get to my job on time.

I understand it is not a saying for everyone. It is in the best interests of an emergency room surgeon to do a little bit more before that last minute. People tend to get nervous when their family member is bleeding out on the table. After sitting on his arse for three years, Michael Phelps three months out from the London Olympics can’t suddenly think “shit, better go for a swim”. He would need to put that bong down a little earlier than that.

The last minute is for optimists living in the present. I am a very much “the present” kind of guy (but more likely a present you would return). I like to enjoy myself in the now, and there is no greater motivation for results than a looming deadline. Eight weeks ago I returned to study in an attempt to gain my Masters. In two weeks I have a major assignment due that is worth 50% of my grade for my current subject. It is no surprise that I haven’t started it yet, jokes are so much more fun to write after all. What do I do instead of writing my assignment? I listen to the advice of a 90’s Australian political satire band called TISM.

Sometime in the next ten thousand years
A comet’s going to wipe out all trace of man
I’m banking on it coming before my end of year exams

Sounds like a good plan as any other, I would be very disappointed if I spent my remaining moments on Earth completing an assignment. The destruction of civilisation as we know is sure grounds for an extension. Right?

What are you putting off right now? And would there be anything I can say to motivate you to do my assignment for me?

Submitting for DudeWrite, ironically early. Who would have thought? Clink on a link and get involved. There is plenty of good reads for you to read out there. All you have to do is follow the links.

Come on Rover, here boy!

Ladies and gentlemen, some time ago we went to bed and woke up in the future.

The world watched on Monday when the worst named Mars rover, Curiosity, did something amazing. If you have not yet seen the footage SPOILER ALERT they made it. With the world watching NASA scientists and engineers dripped sweat over their computer monitors more than they did on their prom dates. To get to Mars it takes a lot of hard work, but this is no time to rest and play. NASA intends to explore Mars for at least 2 years, I imagine so they can get their monies worth.

It only took a matter of minutes for Curiosity to beam back its first pictures from the surface. I saw it unfold streaming the streaming from Mars on NASA TV when I was at work. The 64x64 bit thumbnail crossed millions of kilometres, bounced off a few radio dishes and straight into the brains of millions of people around the world. It impressed me to no end, but I will be making a call to my telecom provider about how a robot from outer-space has a faster upload time then I do. It takes 14 minutes for a signal to reach Earth from Mars, yet how can I not watch YouTube in the elevator on my phone? It won't be on the National Broadband Network any time soon.

The Curiosity Rover is 2.9m long by 2.7m wide and 2.2m high and comes in a 899kg making it the biggest remote control car on Mars to date (it is about the size of the average car). On board they have all sorts of instruments to take samples of the air and soil for anything that could possibly support life, be it minerals in the soil, water, bacteria, chocolate, nugart, and/or caramel. If they find peanuts they are on the wrong planet.

I am happy they made it. Its good to know that with $6 billion NASA can hit Mars in the face with a robot - the SUR-face. I can barely hit the recycling bin at work with scrunched up balls of paper, so even if your target is the size of a planet, it is still at best 55,000,000 kilometres away. If I was to give $6 billion to anyone for robot droids to be sent to alien planets, NASA would be my first choice. To them its only rocket science. Second choice would be to Grover. Only so they could say "the Mars rover Grover". And then when it crashes down a hill they can say "the Mars rover Grover fell Over". But if it never left the Earth because it failed to pass the field tests in Ireland they can say "the Mars rover Grover fell over on clovers". I'm easily entertained

Not on Mars.

An argument won - Flash Fiction

This post I have entered in the DudeWrite Flash (.... a ahh!) fiction competition. The challenge was to write an original short story under 500 words using the first sentence as a prompt.

“If you told me two weeks ago we wouldn’t be having this discussion now,” said Mary.
“No, instead we would’ve had the argument two weeks ago,” replied Darren. Two weeks would not have made a difference, I don’t want to go.
“This is not an argument.”
“Really? Could’ve fooled me. I don’t want to go to my stupid reunion, but you want to go and you’re forcing me to do what you want. Sounds like an argument to me,” it’s not a nice thing to say, but she never understands why I hate these things. The idea of going to a high school reunion makes my skin crawl, why would anyone want to go?
“I’m not forcing you Darren.”
“Why are we still having this conversation?”
“Don’t you want to see your old high school friends?”
“Shit no, if I had wanted to see them after all these years do you think I would’ve poked them on Facebook by now”. What a waste of time Facebook is. I only log on when people tag-thingy me in photos.  I think I’ve only done like one or two status updates.
“What about me Darren? Did you think that I might have wanted to go?”
“But it’s my high school reunion”
“I want to meet your old school friends. Your old crushes, old girlfriends?”
“You’ve met Michael”
“Michael wasn’t a crush, wasn’t he?”
“No!”
“Still, I want to meet old girlfriends.”
“It was an all-boys school Mary. There were no girlfriends. It’s just going to be sad with people longing for halcyon days without beer gut and a full head of hair. I don’t want to go because it’s a bunch of knobs trying too hard to be earnest in an attempt to hide the fact that it’s a pissing competition with an open bar.”
“Aren’t you proud of your achievements?”
“I am, but that’s why I have a Facebook page. I can brag about how awesome I am without having to suffer the pain in talking to these people. You think I created a page to see you ‘like’ spam photos because you love your dog? I know you love your dog even though I walk him every day! The good news is that now this is an argument!” She didn’t like that. Mary’s eyes turned cold and continued making the bed. I don’t want to go, it is my reunion and it is my decision. I turned to leave the room; it was time to watch football.
“Are we going to the Clarkson’s still Sunday? Honey?” I didn’t get a response. I turn back to the bedroom to see if she heard me. She heard me, she looked at me so I know she heard me, but she didn’t look happy. “Are we still going Sunday?” I asked again, Mary had dug in for a silent treatment. Sigh.
Looks like I’m going to my reunion after all. One night of hell there or weeks of torture here? Time to hire a Porsche.

Two Ignorant Aussies continues

I know what you are thinking - It is only the 16th of July, how could I be posting already?

As a treat Mr D'Agostino and myself got together and recorded a pod-cast for The Lady in Red over at a bozo's abbozzo... and Jax over at Raviolis & Waterworks and have decided to share it with you all.

You can hear part one and part two on Raviolis & Waterworks and The World As I See It. Or you can download it and have me in your ear any time from http://soundcloud.com/michael-g-dagostino.

It was good fun to record and are talking about doing another one eventually. Let us know what you think because Mike and I do like to hear feedback. If you have things you want to ask, leave comments below or send us an email, a tweet, or even a carrier pigeon.

Suggestions on a title would be appreciated ;)

Cheers,

Rusty

Nutella strikes back

As I was sitting at home licking the Nutella left on my hands after making another jar transparent, I have been overwhelmed with the response that Michael and I have received over Nutellabeing better than peanut butter

What started as a friendly debate apparently involves poking bears. I do not get it, if you have seen Michael in real life, and believe me I have seen more than I would request; he is the least “bear” like man-boy I have ever seen. If anything he would be more teddy bear, and on some days more My Little Pony. Granted “you’ve poked the plush toy” does not strike the fear into the hearts of the Nutella alliance. “Beanie kids for Peanut Butter” has a nice ring to it though. (Note: on reflection this is a little harsh as Michael is by far one of the nicest people I have ever met. Even though I walked straight past, he will stop, open his bag, dig around for his wallet for a few minutes, and then hand over more change than I or the person in need was expecting. Ultimate nice guy, but all is fair in love and Spread wars)

"I say to you, ask not what your sandwich can do for your spread, but what your spread can do for your sandwich"

But this isn’t about Michael’s over compensation for his manliness; this is about Nutella, and to a lesser extent peanut butter. There may appear to be an overwhelming support for peanut butter but the spread has nested itself within the American diet, and asking them to choose between the two is as pointless as asking an Italian if they preferred sauerkraut over pasta. We know that all depended on who was winning World War II at the time. Nutella finds its origins in Europe and there it sees a competitive market share since peanuts are not grown in significant quantities.


I brought up all the flashy figures and articles because we should all know where our food comes from and who is making money from it. Food and Beverage is a major part of every countries economy and these people also fund the campaigns of the people who make the decisions. Does it "subtract in any way from the glorious majesty of the product itself?" No it does not change the taste, but it should still mean something to you. So I do think about what peanut butter has done for society, and since they sponsor media outlets and people like Fox News producers and politicians (who are so right-wing that it even makes the pope uncomfortable) to discredit actual scientists and mislead the public.

"We have nothing to fear except fear and peanut butter if we are allergic"

George Washington Carver did not invent peanut butter, but merely rediscovered it, independently yes. He was beaten by a few hundred years by the Aztecs. This is one of the great misconceptions of history. Be careful what you find on Wikipedia Michael. the biggest lie of them all is that peanuts are not nuts, they are legumes. If you can't trust the name, what can you trust?

"I have nothing to declare except for Nutella and my genius."

Many do not know this but during the pilot episode of ready steady cook the audience would determine the winner for voting team Nutella or team peanut butter. It was a storming success for Team Nutella which won the cook off despite not turning the oven on. Ready Steady Cook was finally re-branded as Tomato Vs Capsicum/Red Pepper when picked up for broadcast due to peanut butter not being a proper noun. When pointed out to the producers that tomato and capsicum/pepper are not proper nouns either they replied, “yes but we do want the other team to have a chance at least. Against Nutella there was nothing peanut butter could do.” May not be true. Even TV producers know better than to put Nutella up against peanut butter at risk of ruining the American economy...

"I wouldn’t want to be a member of a club that would accept me as a member who prefers peanut butter"

I have seen many people vouch for the joining of the two spreads – a racial harmony of sandwiches. People shout out at Michael and I on the street “mate, can’t you just put your nuts together?” and they didn't even know we have blogs. The spreads can co-exist, but there is only one Nutella. That is because it exists on a higher plain. It fell from the heavens to anoint and bless all who stain the backs of their hand scraping out the last bits.

"Working is the curse of the drinking class." - Not spread related, but important to note.